I’m not the finest writer, I know this. My blog has been my source for so long, collects dust every now and then while I dabble in other activities or deal with life. It always got set on the back burner – my personal blog along with my sanity and well being. As usual I continued to sit here putting everyone and everything before me but then something just clicked. After all the selfishness that I was dealing with on a daily basis, I could no longer do it. When there are these expectations of what I am supposed to be but never being treated like someone with real/equal value in someone’s life; I knew it was time for me to take a step back to make a change. So here I am….typing in hopes that I can find that.
Sheena (my girlfriend) and I were talking one night about things. She tells me what she loves about me is how loving and concerned I always am for the well being of others. I explained to her that I wish I had more of a backbone like her, that I could just shrug things off where I wasn’t phased. I cried. She said “Think about who will be there for you, like actually be there for you. Not because they feel obligated but because they love and care for you. You’ve been going through so much more than you share and who are the people that are actually in your life that will help you when you need it, with no questions asked, no judgments?” I sat there to think about it, about who would really be there for me just because I needed them. Who would sit there and help me and not run to someone else with my issues and my problems. Who could I trust enough to know that when shit hits the fan or when things have taken a turn for the worse, can I actually speak to and know will ride for me, be trustworthy and just be there out of love for me. So I was asked again, “So these people that claim to love and care for you, can you really call on them when you are at your worst without them putting you out there for the world and just being there for you whole heartedly?”
Crazy how trust can go out a window in a matter of seconds based off of what you know. Not due to assumptions but because the reality of it all is, it’s the facts. Think of all that you’ve experienced, the hardest times in your life, who was actually there for you to even just give you a hug and tell you that you will get through it. Something as simple as that. Not because you had to broadcast it on social media, but because they actually took the time to reach out to you to check in on you. Not for gossip but for bona fide convo on life. Everything out here won’t be glitter, sunshine and rainbows…you’ll bump heads with people and have disagreements. Shit! You’re going to fight and yell at one another, but that does not mean love will always be lost. If anything that just shows you that your relationship is make it or break it. If it’s meant to last or if it is at it’s last days. If someone is there for you throughout it all, you ride for them and appreciate them like they do you because those type of folks come far and few in between. But when you think you found them and then turn on you, flip because their life isn’t where they want it and their misery comes through like storms. They want you to be by their side throughout it all even when they’re trying to take you down to drown with them. When their unhappiness starts to affect you it becomes an issue especially when they can’t seem to let you go to not drown. That’s when you have to take that step back, build the distance, questions a few things, see if the trust is there.
I’m asking the questions, learning what’s there and what isn’t, who’s there and who isn’t. Do I know everything? Absolutely not. The blessing about life is that it constantly gives you something to study day in and day out. Am I ready? Not entirely, but those obstacles that are handed to me I will face as they come. There are days that the sun will shine and days that storms will linger. All of those days are needed in order to know maybe next time I’ll need the umbrella or to be better prepared. Any obstacle put in front of us is one we are meant to hurdle. Whether we trip and fall does not mean we aren’t meant to get back up and try again.
What I have done is behind me. What anyone has done to me is behind me. Those are all a thing of the past. In order to move forward we have to let things go and be able to forgive. In order to want forgiveness you have to give forgiveness. Many people want to ask for forgiveness yet are too prideful to admit their faults in the matter. They refuse to state what they’ve done. So to anyone that I’ve hurt, I am sorry. I will tell you personally that I am sorry. I am writing all of this because I was hurt and left disappointed, I know the feeling and I should not have done the same. We are all entitled to a clean slate. Do we need to continue to be in the person’s life? No. But knowing that we have at least made amends is what helps us move forward in our lives. Unfortunately not everyone is as open minded and accepting of hearing an apology, they rather not. In this instance we have to know that all that happens does for a reason. That next time we will do better to not fall down the same path.
Here’s to a new year again. A fresh start in my attempts at writing something all over. Giving myself the chance at diving into my personal blog as I’ve had it for 10 years between sites. Letting loose a bit and finding more of myself.
Thank you to those who have stood by me.
My family despite the illnesses and troubled times we’re having, they really are just something special. Adulthood teaches you so much more you didn’t really understand as a child. My grandfather battling cancer, my grandmother trying to remember that I live in California, my other grandmother being my eyes to keep my mom in tact while I’m not there. No matter what they are dealing with they continue to support me through my journey.
To those close to me, it goes without saying, whether I speak to you on a day to day basis because distance does not matter. For the people that have shown me what strength and perseverance was. My family away from home. The people that ride for me through thick and thin. The irreplaceable folks that will never replace me. Even to those who have tried bringing me under with them, it has helped me see the light.
Seriously, thank you.
Cheers! To a new year, what’s to come and what there is to learn. To the bond I continue to build with those who matter most, to being a better me not just for me but to help keep my little brother going. Cheers to the relationships that are being mended, adding another year to them, or even those that are fading out. Most importantly, to the process of my well being and good health. It is important that in all cases that is first.
Happy New Year everyone!
— Marissa, I can’t thank you enough for making this promise to start this project with me. Our connection is undoubtably one of the most intense and powerful there is. There isn’t anyone in this universe that can compare. You believed in me, believed in this. Thank you for putting it all into perspective. 2016 is our year to get back at it. I’m ready to see you shine bright!